


Little Boy Blue

by TheVagabondBoy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Artificial Insemination, Diary/Journal, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Gen, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Howard plays with steves jizz, Pregnancy, Team as Family, Tony Angst, but he turned out bad, but not in the way youre probably imagining, but sort of for real, he wanted to be good, howard was a bad dad, like legit, tonys life gets ruined again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 07:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15836943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondBoy/pseuds/TheVagabondBoy
Summary: Tony didn’t even know what to say to that. He was just utterly fucking speechless.





	Little Boy Blue

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this Happened, and it was supposed to be crack but then it turned all sad and i cried a little
> 
> i fully blame the Stucky AU Bang slack for this
> 
> i also very much thank the Stucky AU Bang slack for the help and support while writing this

He’d put it off for long enough now. He hadn’t been ready before, but he was ready now.

Tony was going to read his father’s journals.

He had had them since they died but he’d never gotten around to reading them, or doing anything else with them. They had just been sitting in a box in storage.

Today was the day, though.

He was going to do it now, then once he was done, he’d figure out what to do with them; burn them, put them back in storage, donate them to a museum,  _ whatever. _ Once he read them all, he would decide. He’d set the whole day aside for this.

He had spent some time organizing them into a good set of stacks; each stack was a decade, earliest at the top and latest at the bottom, so he could read them in order.

Tony pulled up a chair and picked the first journal off the first stack.

Howard would’ve only been a kid when he wrote it.  


Handwriting confirmed that, too. It was an uneven scrawl, most definitely made by the hand of a child. God, he could hardly imagine Howard writing anything in a hand that looked like that. It was a far cry from the neat, clean, and stylish print Tony remembered Howard’s handwriting to be.

The entries were few and far between. Nothing extraordinary. Howard talking about what he did in school that day, about his friends and teachers and parents, about things he wanted to do when he grew up, his favourite toys, the things he built with whatever scraps he could scrounge up.

It continued like that for another few journals. Not much changed; his handwriting got a little cleaner, a little neater, as the years passed but for a while, the writing itself contained nothing all to interesting.

As he came into his teens, it moved on from being about school and friends and toys, and started being about his ideas and his inventions, all the things he imagined and created, what he dreamed his intellect could do for the world. Hell, if all Tony had ever known about his father were these journals, he might’ve actually liked the guy. It honestly seemed like he wanted to do good things for the world and for people.

He narrated his rise to fame, his rags to riches. Honestly, it was the American Dream in a nutshell. He went from  _ nothing _ to  _ everything _ in no time at all.

He talked about the war. He talked about Stark Industries making weapons for the troops. Tony skimmed those parts. It still made him sick to think about all that, even so far back as to be before his time.

The super soldier serum... Tony swallowed dryly. Howard detailed it all, from the inception of the idea right up until the experiment itself. He talked about meeting  _ the little guy, what’s his name again? Rogers something? Steve. Steve sounds right. Steve Rogers. Ain’t that just the name for the new American hero? _

The way Howard talked about the war sometimes... It was  _ disturbing. _ He talked about it like a business venture, something to profit from, like people’s lives weren’t worth more than the money Howard could make off them. Tony’s stomach turned at it. He became nauseous with it.

He was heart-broken when Steve went into the ice and disappeared.

But he moved on. He sucked it up and carried on. Hm, at least Tony knew where he got  _ that _ skill from.

Peace came. Stark Industries grew and became world-wide. He met Maria.

Tony smiled.

It read like Maria was the love of his life.

**_ August _ **

_ I must have done something right, I tell you. I must have, to be able to deserve Maria. She’s an Angel, I swear. She must have come down from Heaven itself, even though I don’t believe in all that stuff. Maria... I’m one lucky son of a bitch to have her. _

For a while, it all seemed like sunshine, roses, and rainbows.

But then...

They wanted kids. They were trying for a baby. It wasn’t happening. Months passed. Howard seemed to get desperate. From what he wrote, it was breaking Maria’s heart too. They were crushed. They went to doctor after doctor after doctor, but they couldn’t say what the problem was. It made Tony’s heart clench as well. God, Howard seemed so heart-broken about it. Tony never would’ve imagined. So...Howard had  _ really _ wanted a kid? Wanted Tony?

Tony wiped his cheeks and dried his eyes. He didn’t expect this to make him so emotional.

**_ May _ **

_ We’re losing hope. We’ve been trying for a year now, and nothing. It’s killing Maria. She doesn’t want to say it, but I can see it. She wants a baby so badly. I want to give it to her. I want to give her anything and everything she wants. Usually, I can. Usually, she points to something and I give it to her. Anything she wants, it’s hers. But this is the one thing I can’t seem to give her. _

Fuck, Tony’s heart broke for them.

**_ June _ **

_ I had an idea about Maria and I’s problem. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or a bad idea, but it’s certainly an idea. Maybe it’s worth it, whether it’s a good idea or not. We want this. We’ve wanted this for so long. This idea... It could give us our baby. It could give us our child and let us love it. I’m going to bring it up to Maria tonight, at dinner. I’ll explain it to her. Perhaps she’ll understand. Maybe she’ll agree that it’s at least worth a try. If it works, we’ll have our a baby and our family! If not, then we didn’t really lose much, did we? _

__

Tony was curious was this  _ idea _ was. Howard didn’t give any further details. A few days passed, and entries without mentions of the  _ idea _ along with them.

**_ June _ **

_ We spoke about it. Maria agreed. She agreed to give it a try. She didn’t much like the idea, but she knows that it may be the only way we get to have the family we’ve dreamed of. I told her too, that I don’t like it either. And in truth, I don’t. But I want to have a family more than I dislike this thought. It feels wrong, of course. Steve was my friend. I’d like to think he was my friend, at least. I considered him one, anyway. What he thought of me, I don’t know. Probably thought I was some stuck-up, rich asshole. Hell, he wasn’t all wrong, I guess. Wonder what Steve would think about this. This wasn’t exactly the reason he left those sperm samples. _

Tony stared at the last sentence.

What? Wh-...  _ What? _ What? That... That was... That couldn’t- It couldn’t be true, right? That wasn’t possible. That couldn’t be possible. How was that possible? It couldn’t be. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, Lord, oh, good Lord gracious in Heaven above, holy shit.

**_ July _ **

_ We implanted the sperm today. Maria should be at the perfect place in her cycle for it to take. I even prayed! First time since I was in Sunday school. All we can do now is wait and hope. _

God, Tony couldn’t even breathe.

**_ August _ **

_ I don’t know if she’s pregnant yet. I think she might be. Sometimes I catch her with her hand on her stomach, like she’s feeling for a second heartbeat without even thinking about it. God, she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Not for long, though, I hope. I hope I’ll hold a baby in my arms soon, and call  it the most beautiful thing in the world. I’ll kiss its forehead and thank Steve and God alike for the gift they gave us. _

This was impossible.

**_ August _ **

_ Maria’s pregnant! She’s pregnant! It finally happened! The doctor finally confirmed it! I can’t believe it. There’s a little life growing inside her. Our baby.  Our baby! Inside her, there’s a little bundle of cells that we will love more than life itself, that we  already love more than life itself. She hasn’t taken her hands off her stomach since we left the doctor’s office. Hasn’t stopped smiling either. Neither have I. _

__

Oh, God.

**_ March _ **

_ She gave birth today. Our son, Anthony Edward Stark. God, he was beautiful. He was the most incredible thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. He was so small and red and wrinkly! His eyes were so big and so bright, and he wouldn’t stop screaming! But God, I never wanted to take my eyes off him. _

__

**_ April _ **

_ It’s been a year since our Tony was born. I’ve kept my eyes open for any signs of the serum affecting him. I knew it was a possibility that the serum could be passed on from, well, from  father to child. I decided to be on the look out. If I saw signs, I’d protect our boy. I’d protect him from the military scum that might come looking for him if it ever got out. But it’s been a year, and there have been no signs. It calms me to know that he’s not affected by the serum, but at the same time, it concerns me. _

__

**_ April _ **

_ I took a blood sample from Tony today, while Maria was out for tea with her friends. I’m lucky we had several samples of Steve’s DNA. I needed something to compare Tony to. I managed to scrounge up a blood sample. The military clerks I had to go through? Told them I was looking into recreating the serum. They were happy to give me anything I wanted and needed. _

__

**_ April _ **

_ It’s impossible. This isn’t possible. Tony’s blood? It doesn’t match mine, of course, but it doesn’t match Steve’s either. How can that be? If I didn’t know Maria so well I might’ve guessed she had cheated on me. Found someone who could give her what she wanted. But I  do know her. She’s  not the kind of person capable of doing something like that. So how is this possible, then? Perhaps I took the wrong sample? But how could it be? There was labels all over the cup! Steve’s name printed in big red letters!  Classified stamped all over the damn thing! _

__

**_ May _ **

_ I may have a hunch as to how this is possible. I’m looking into it. It worries me. If my hunch is right, how can I ever explain to Maria? _

__

**_ May _ **

_ My hunch was right. I was right. I made a mistake. I made such a mistake. I should have double-checked! How could I be so foolish?! This baby, this boy? It’s not Steve’s. The sample I used, it wasn’t his. It was wrong. The label must have been wrong. James Barnes. James Buchanan Barnes.  Bucky Barnes. Steve’s best friend. Part of the group of men who grew up in the same area, under the same conditions, as Steve, that we tested. We collected samples from them to see if we could find any evidence in the genetics as to why the serum worked on Steve and no one else. We wondered if it was the environment, or the conditions. Someone mislabelled the samples. Barnes’ sample was labelled as Steve’s. Tony is Barnes’ son. _

__

**_ July _ **

_ I can’t look at Tony. I can’t do it. All I see is my mistake. All I see is Barnes. Barnes was a good man, Steve’s best friend, and a friend of mine as well. And still, looking at Tony makes my heart sink. _

__

**_ October _ **

_ I can feel the love going away. I was always prepared for Tony not being mine. I was prepared to live with him being Steve’s and not mine. But now he’s not even Steve’s? I can’t come to be at peace with this. How can I ever? _

__

**_ January _ **

_ How am I supposed to love this boy? He is ours, but he’s not mine. I brought him into this world, but not of my own blood, nor the blood of the man I trusted this burden with. _

__

**_ March _ **

_ He turned two today. He is the future of all I hold dear, everything I built, but he’s not my son. In a way, I will always love him, but never as I would my own blood. He will never be what I wanted. I can’t forgive myself for that. I can’t forgive him either. If only he had been Steve’s. I could accept that. I could love him still, despitebeing Steve’s and not mine. But somehow this is  different. I’ll never forgive and I’ll never forget. _

 

Tony was sobbing.

He couldn’t read any more of this. He couldn’t take this.

He was Barnes’ son.

Barnes, who killed Tony’s mother and  _ supposed _ father, was living in the Avengers Complex and he was Tony’s  _ true _ father. Tony’s  _ father _ was here. He was here, somewhere in the Complex.

Tony collected the journals pertinent to... _ all of this. _ He collected them together in a neat new pile.

“Friday?” he choked out, drying his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

“Yes, sir?”

“Get Steve and Bucky in here. No one else. Just them. This is... It’s private.”

“Got it, sir. I notified them. They’ll be here in a few minutes.”

“Thanks, Fri.”

Tony sat. He stared at the stack of journals. He wasn’t sure how much time passed. Probably only a few minutes, just like Friday said.

He could hear the door open. Steve and Bucky chatted lowly as they entered. They went silent when they saw Tony, though. Steve hurried to Tony’s side, grabbing his shoulder.

Disgust rolled through Tony, turning his stomach.

He slapped Steve’s hand away. He slid off his chair, staggering to his feet. He stared at both of the soldier’s with wet, glassy eyes. The tears still streaked his cheeks.

“Tony, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, the concern so blatant and obvious on his face.

Bucky stood close behind him, looking just as concerned. God, Tony was just  _ more _ disgusted! What  _ was _ this? His whole life, it was a lie! Everything he’d ever known was a lie! What was it with Barnes and  _ ruining Tony’s life?! _

He pointed to the journals. “Read them.  _ Read them!” _

“Tony, just tell us what’s going on, okay?” Steve pleaded with him. “We can read those later. Let’s just figure this out together, yeah?”

“No. No!  _ Read them!” _

Tony kicked the chair away. He shoved past Steve. He grabbed the journals and shoved them into Barnes’ hands.

_ “Read!” _

He stormed out of the lab. He couldn’t- He couldn’t be in there with them. Not right now. He needed to be away from them. He couldn’t  _ look _ at either of them.

*

He sat by the pool, staring at the water.

His whole life was a lie. Everything he’d ever known was a lie.  _ Again. _ First he finds out his parents’ accident wasn’t an accident, then he finds out that his father wasn’t his father. How could he trust anything, or anyone?

His whole life... He couldn’t wrap his head around this. He couldn’t understand.

Why didn’t Howard love him anyway? If Tony had just been... _ Steve’s, _ then Howard would have loved him. Tony’s whole life would’ve been different.  _ Everything _ would’ve been different. But because of one simple mistake, one confusion of samples, one label switched for another...it had all been taken from him.

“Hey.”

Tony didn’t look up. He recognized Bucky’s voice well enough.

Waves of emotions Tony couldn’t name washed over him. There was so much racing through his head. So many thoughts and questions and  _ what-ifs. _ He wondered so many things.

Bucky sat down next to him, at the poolside.

“I...read the journals.”

Tony swallowed.

“I don’t...know what to say. What  _ can _ I say?”

“I dunno.” Tony sighed. “I mean...  _ This _ wasn’t your fault, either. You never asked for any of this.”

“Yeah... You didn’t ask for it neither, though. Still had to live through it all. Don’t remember much about Howard so I guess I can’t give much of an opinion, but... From what I read in those journals? He did a whole lotta wrong by you. By your ma. You were just a kid. Didn’t deserve gettin’ treated like that.”

Tony didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what  _ to _ say. What was there to say?

He stared at the water.

“You want me to stay? Or you wanna be alone? Don’t gotta talk or nothin’. Just...company’s kinda nice.”

Tony didn’t even know what to say to that. He was just utterly fucking speechless.

“Okay. Um. I’ll stay. For a while.”

**Author's Note:**

> might write a sequel or smth, if inspiration strikes
> 
> i am kinda curious to see how i can build on this whole...thing


End file.
